Artichokes

Feb 2025

“What do you mean they’re not three for a dollar?”

“Where the hell did you hear they were three for a dollar, kid?”

The kid pulled the newspaper out of the back pocket of his jeans and waved it in the older man’s face. “Here, mister! Right here!” He said, pointing to the front page.

“Ooooh, he-he-he, ho-ho-ho, a-ha-ha” the old man’s overwhelming laugh turned into a cough, then back to a laugh again. When he had got his wits about him, the old man stood up from the creaky wooden chair that sat at the entrance of his humble produce store—the oldest store in town—lumbered a few feet over to the cashier stand, and grabbed an even creakier chair. He held it out to his perplexed company and asked, “Well now, that’s one hell of a misunderstanding. How long you got, kid? This is a story you’re gonna wanna hear.”

“I’ll listen, mister. Sure beats heading home empty-handed right now with no excuse for Ma. She’ll probably whoop me somethin’ fierce no matter what.” The kid took a seat in the chair next to the shop’s proprietor. The old man slid over his tin cup, still half full with water. The kid gratefully gulped it down.

“Well, kid, wasn’t two weeks ago now that these little scoundrels came to the store. I knew somethin’ was off. Few reasons. One…” The old man held up his crusty right hand in front of his face, extended his pointer finger, and tapped it with his left hand. “Didn’t recognize these kids. Had to be from outta town. I known everyone that is or ever was in this town. Now why these strangers passin’ through? Two…” His middle finger shot up next to the pointer. “These lil’ kids came first thing, right when I opened. Now it sure didn’t seem like they was passin’ through on a drive, got hungry, and saw my shop by chance. No sir-ee, it seems like they were up to somethin’—comin’ in at 6:30 like that. And three…” His ring finger joined the other two, “These kids looked real shifty. They were tryna act all casual. Real cool. You probably know, when you and your buddies are up to no good and someone comes a-strollin’ by. You think yer bein’ slick, but us old folks can see straight through ya! You’ll learn though. In good time. Hell I was no different, gettin’ up to all sorts of trouble back in my day. You shoulda seen this town, was really truly the wild west back then. Hell of a place for to come of age.

“Anyway. The hell was I? Oh yea, so for these reasons I was on high alert with those little rats. Knew they was up to somethin’. They walked around, stalkin’ up and down the aisles. Little fellers they were though, maybe thirteen, fourteen year old. Three of them, ya know. So I get up, and shout out real loud, ‘Mornin’ boyos! You just lemme know if you need help with somethin’ and I’ll fix ya right up! Say, y’all from out of town?’ I talk real loud an confident like that whenever I be suspectin’ trouble. Works like a charm ya know, kid? I used it with big mean nasty sons-a-bitches in bars, with people tryna rob me, cheat me, people I see ‘round town gettin’ up to no good. You just go right up, talk real loud and real nice so everyone can here. Freaks ‘em out, no matter how tough a guy it is. There’s gotta be a dozen times I shoulda got my ass a-whooped, but you just talk real, loud, real confident-like, and don’t forget this, real nice, and Bob’s yer damn uncle!

“Alright. The hell was I? So these boys. I ask ‘em real loud where they from. One of them mutters something I can’t even hear, another says ‘mornin’, mister’ and another don’t say a damn thing. I could tell they were nervous little runts. So I kept a close eye on ‘em, but real discreet, ya know? And sure enough, I saw it. Them little bastards was stealin’ produce! My produce! I kept it cool though. Saw one slip an apple into his pocket. Another, a few carrots. One of them, confident little rat, put a whole bushel of bananas in his big trench-coat-lookin’ jacket. Oh, and there’s a fourth thing that tipped me off. lt was, what did I say, two, three weeks ago this happened? It’s goddam August, what you need a winter coat on for in goddam August!

“I watched ‘em slip all those fruits and veggies in their pockets, got to have been a whole damn dollar’s worth. By the way, I counted all the fruit up afterwards, and sure was just about a dollar’s worth. Anyways, I didn’t say nothin’ yet though, I waited to see what they was gonna do. Then they all of a sudden made for the exit. Nervously, of course. ‘Thanks, mister.’ One of them said. So I got up, and just as the last one was ‘bouta get out the door, I grabbed him. Wrapped my arm around his neck and choked the little guy, yellin’ at his buddies all the while ‘You gimme my goddam produce back you rats! I saw what you took! I’ll come for you two next!’ The one I had was squealin’ like a little pig. And these boys were such sorry little runts that the other two nearly wet themselves. They came right back to me like trained little pups. I let their friend go. He was a cryin’ wreck, pullin’ fruit out of his pockets and tossin’ it on the ground all willy nilly. For good measure I grabbed the other two boys—one in each arm—and gave them a good chokin’ too! Wanted to make sure they never thought about stealin’ from a man ever again! I made damn well sure of that, they gave me all of it back—all of them a-cryin’—and they sped off faster than anything down that road outta town.

“Old Pete was comin’ up just about then, you know old Pete don’t ya? Buys a Coca-Cola from me every mornin’ at seven. ‘Cept Sundays. Anyways, Pete saw the whole damn thing, got a good laugh out of it too. ‘Boy you really showed them kids’ he said, slappin’ me on the shoulder after he walked up. We had a good laugh.

“Well you know what happens next, kid? We live in a small town you know. Word spread quick. Sure enough, couple weeks later, they write a goddam front page story ‘bout me. Sayin’ how some outta-towners came in, tried to steal some stuff from me. How I gave ‘em a good lickin’ and scared ‘em off. Anyways, that’s what ya’ hold right there in yer damn hands. And that story right there is the source of what’s gotta be the funniest damn misunderstanding I ever saw in my life.”

The kid smiled, and looked down at the headline in the paper: Arty Chokes Three for a Dollar.